| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2011|02:04 am] |
I'm hurting, a lot right now, I want to make sure my son is in a safe environment, but aside from ordering legal paperwork and filing it there's nothing I can do.
I still feel like I am being manipulated, like I've been used, I cannot be nice any more and I'm not going to play this game clean if she won't.
I will give her no quarter, for she has given me none.
I will play dirty, honest and dirty. |
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| I feel like I'm out growing a lot of the things that I used to enjoy. |
[Apr. 12th, 2011|11:18 am] |
I'm not sure how to put it other than that.
I'm not getting as much enjoyment from some things I used to love doing, anymore I spend more time on facebook than I do playing the games I used to play.
In other news I'm starting to feel that my ex is genuine in telling me that she wants me in her life, that she wants me to work on my depression and anger.
I get to hang out with her in a couple of days. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2011|12:42 pm] |
I'm having one of those days where it feels as though everything is slipping away from me.
Inaction and all that.
I want to move out to Montana see this girl my friend Sam says is waiting out there for me, at the same time I'm concerned that I'd be sacrificing my relationship with my son if I do so.
I feel conflicted and wobbly if that makes any sense, if it doesn't screw you it does to me.
Kidding, kidding.
I'm just not sure as to what path to take.
On tom of everything else I still do not feel like my ex wants me in her life and the life of our son.It remains to be seen I guess. |
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| hmmmmm |
[Mar. 27th, 2011|07:09 pm] |
Doctor's appointment tomorrow, not sure whether there's going to be an ultrasound or if there's going to be an ultrasound or not. I do know that I'm going to be there.
Today has been a bit kinder to me than yesterday.
I think I was just feeling really lonely, jealous of my best friend and what he has with his girl.
Everything in it's own time. |
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| :) |
[Mar. 26th, 2011|10:01 am] |
it's a nice day outside today.
I think I'll see if I can find a tree and climb it, with a book and water bottle full of kool-aid.
In other news things between me and my baby mama are going well, we're on the same page and every single one of my ridiculous fears died on Thursday, she understands me better than I thought she did.. |
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| nine days |
[Mar. 19th, 2011|09:17 pm] |
Nine days and I get to see Bug again.
I cried last night, hate admitting to that, but I did. Sometimes I do not understand how something so small can cause so much fear, and at the same time so much love, then I look at my niece and nephew, my self and my siblings and I get it.
I'm still scared because it still feels like my ex doesn't want me to be a part of his life at all, it makes me hope for bad things and makes me feel like a bad person because of it.
I have a microphone, I have no idea what to tell my son aside from my love for him and my hopes and dreams, maybe I'll read 'stardust' to him, every time I start thinking about it I get sad again.
I do not think I'll be able to show my ex how important my son is to me any other way.
--I |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2011|05:59 pm] |
holding back is starting to hurt a little, I don't want to open up but sometimes I feel like the shell that I have been forming around myself for the last few years is cracking.
It scares me a little, I don't want to open myself up yet again, but I cannot seem to help myself, I'm not forcing myself it's just kind of happening.
One thing is for sure, I've smiled outwardly more in the last month or so than I have in a long time. |
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| hmmm |
[Mar. 2nd, 2011|10:35 pm] |
Going through the motions, reminding myself that I'm fine on my own.
Something inside of me is screaming for something I'm not ready for
from someone too far away to be any form of easy at this moment.
I get to find out if my baby is a boy or girl on monday, I'm excited
as I can be with the stresses I've got, my me weekend did help enough
for me to step back and focus on what I need to do to make sure I have
a key part in my child's life.
Still feel kinda sad about everything, relationships end for a reason,
but as unhealthy as it was I wasn't bored...
Things will work out in time, I just have to keep doing the
things that I have been doing right.
--I |
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| heh, I'm supprised that I didn't post the good news here. |
[Feb. 11th, 2011|03:54 am] |
I understand that facebook has taken over people's lives and given us new avenues for the pursuits of humor and drama, but I'm starting to hate the openness of it.
I've decided that I am going to go back into blogging on lj I remember how useful it was when my partner couldn't read what I am writing when it comes to what I deal with in my own head.
That said, the news.
I'm going to be a father in 4 and a bit months.
I'm excited and scared.
I'm excited because this is a new life, a new sort of chapter for me and the opportunity to have a hand in bringing up a small part of the next generation, not to mention it's a parent's right to troll their kids a little, my dad trolled me when I was growing up so it's kind of a tradition in my family.
I'm scared because I do not want to irreparably fuck up my kid, I do not want to make the wrong decisions and put my child in a situation that would lead them down a shitty path(even though I know that when the time comes it's ultimately their choice). I am also scared because the mother of my child is bad people, who comes from bad people(I have decided that after this last failed relationship that I am not allowed to date until I have gone to counseling to figure out why I keep hooking up with bad people).
The only time I am allowed to be near my precious bug is at the appointments, and I'm starting to get the feeling that it is so she can torture me when she files for full custody(I'm paranoid I know, I'm keeping it in perspective). Granted I have not been the nicest person to her and some of that was a response to my own fears, the rest was anger at how she has been treating me.
I've already decided what I am going to do about everything, I'll first offer a parenting plan where we get equal time and decision making responsibility when it comes to our child, if she denies me that I'll have to get mean about it and go for broke.
That's what has me terrified, what if it comes to that and I loose. I love my soon-to-be-baby more than anything else in this world, and I would do anything in my power to ensure that it grows up to be stronger and better than I am.
Me-- |
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